Tag Archives: Humour

Hipsters in The Park

Posted in Navagating the Hipster Universe by

9138614929_adc3430b99_hDowntown parks have way more variety than parks in the suburbs. Sure, you have the typical runners and Frisbee enthusiasts, but there are so many more groups of people that you just don’t find in the suburbs.

Who You’ll Find at a Hipster Park

  1. The Ill Prepared

    It’s 30 degrees Celsius and sunny. Maybe don’t wear black slacks and a black polo shirt.

  2. The Well Prepared

    Why sit on the ground when you have a chair that folds away into our backpack?

  3. The Over Prepared

    It’s the park. It’s not a 10 day trek across the Andes.

  4. Stoners Learning to Hula Hoop

    Pretty self-explanatory.

  5. Old Hippies

    The hippie just pulled out his iPad. I don’t know how i feel about this. Aren’t hippies supposed to be against “the man”? I guess technology isn’t so bad? Although, his attention seems to be more drawn to the stoner hula hoopers.

  6. Hipsters That Think They Can Throw a Football

    Again, pretty self-explanatory.

  7. The Newlyweds That Think a Busy Park is the Perfect Wedding Photo Backdrop

    I’m sure they’ll look back at their photos for years to come with fondness…

Hipster Garage Sale

Another thing that can often be found in a hipster park is a garage sale. Hipster garage sales are not like ordinary garage sales. I grew up in a place where a garage sale meant collecting all of your old toys and clothes and hoping someone else wanted them. If someone was willing to pay you $10 for your “vintage” friendship making kit, that was a steal! I recently ventured downtown and learned that garage sales mean something very different here.

I don’t understand how all of these people just “happen” to have antique glassware and (overpriced) records they’re trying to unload. It would also appear that used hats are all the rage (Head lice risk? No, thank you).

Fan Clubs

Of course fan clubs meet in hipster parks. Now I’ve never seen Orphan Black, but from the fan club, it would appear to have something to do with clones and pencils. Black clothes and yellow hair also seem to play a role. Oh, they have press-on tattoos…I wonder if they have any that aren’t Orphan Black related.

Bonus Fun Fact: There’s never a fear of being the palest/least tanned person at a hipster park. At a hipster park, if you’re tanned, you stand out.

Advertisement

Tips for The Realistic Cooker: Frozen Olive Oil

Posted in Canadian Living, Cooking, Life Tips by

Olive oilDon’t Store Your Olive Oil Where It Can Freeze Into a Solid Mass

Now, you probably didn’t know this could be a problem, until it happens to you. I didn’t realize this was a thing. The conundrum was thrown at me when I opened my cabinet to find a frozen bottle of olive oil. Apparently the cabinet I keep my oil in is very cold because my olive oil was frozen solid. Faced with the problem of having a salad with just balsamic vinegar, I needed to act quickly.

How to Thaw Your Olive Oil

1. Boil Water

You might think this is the first logical solution, but who has time for that? Plus, it would create more dishes. You have a salad waiting and you’re starving! However, if you’re looking for a fancy solution, this is the one for you.

2. Body Heat

Why boil water when you have a natural source of heat at your fingertips. Take your bottle of frozen olive oil and hold it close like it’s your child, your frozen child who’s on the verge of hypothermia.

3. Warm Running Water

Still frozen, eh? Take that bottle and run it under some very hot water. That should release enough for you to enjoy your salad. Wala! A salad is born.

Freedom: Not All It’s Cracked Up to Be

Posted in Life Tips by

vpi07wI recently ventured out on my own and am renting my very own grown-up apartment. With this venture into fierce independant living, I have discovered the meaning behind what the late George Michael so eloquently sang about, “freedom”.

Freedom is…

  1. Washing dishes by hand…a lot of dishes…because you thought it would be a good idea to wait until you ran out of mugs before doing the dishes. P.S. Dear Dishwasher, come back to me!
  2. Coming home and not discovering that someone surprise washed your dishes…because you live alone/are fiercely independant.
  3. Defending the fact that scrambled eggs and toast for dinner counts as cooking.
  4. Realizing that maybe you should learn how to cook something that’s not a form of eggs.
  5. Waking up to your car buried in snow… because you live in Canada and no longer have a garage.
  6. Having to wake up early so you have time to dig your car out of the winter tundra before work.
  7. Dropping a pen and realizing that no one’s cleaned back there…ever.
  8. Not being able to blame the hair in the shower on someone else.
  9. Endless loads of laundry.
  10. Being reminded that you started a load of laundry before you went to bed…because you were awoken by the crazy loud buzzer you can’t figure out how to disable.

Be Like Cory

Posted in Life Tips by

img_3773

As the cycle of fashion dives deeper into the 90s, I thought I would make a suggestion. We should all dress more like Cory Matthews. Now, I’m not talking about present day “Girl Meets World” Cory Matthews. I’m talking about Boy Meets World, Season 1 Cory. As the seasons progress, his look loses its edge and gets too mainstream.

core_vests

Invest in statement pieces. Try a vest.

cory_3

Want to wear a t-shirt, but it’s not quite hot enough? No problem. Just layer it over your hoodie. Still too cold? Throw on a vest, preferably one with another hood so you can double that up.

cory-yellow

The more bright colours the better. Try a pop of yellow.

core-double-flannel

How to Drink Wine Like You’re Fancy

Posted in Cooking, Life Tips by

konzelmannwinery4I recently attended a wine tour/tasting. I highly recommend it! Apparently I’ve been drinking wine incorrectly my whole (legal drinking-age) life. Here I thought you simply pour it into a glass and drink it. Wrong. There are way more steps involved than I ever realized. Don’t worry, I’m here to share them with you so you don’t continue to make the same mistakes.

Step 1: Balance Your Wine

If you’re one of the many who hold your wine glass in order to keep it from falling over when you drink, you’d be wrong. Apparently, if you’re cupping your wine glass in your hands, this warms the temperature of the wine to that of your hands. This is wrong, according to the experts. Hold the glass by the stem as though you’re trying to balance a basketball on a pencil. Your wine-drinking experience is already more exciting, right? This balancing act can be increasingly difficult with those large, (it’s been a long week) glasses.

Step 2: Tip to See Film (Check for poison)

Lesson #1: Trust no one, even your waiter. Tip your glass ever so slightly to see the layer of film on the top. Yeah, I didn’t realize my wine had a film on top either. Apparently that’s a good thing. Are there any floaties on top or beneath the film? If not, excellent. You can proceed to step 3.

Step 3: Smell (Again, check for poison, or wine gone bad)

I’ve learned that being a wine connoisseur includes being increasingly paranoid. Don’t just slightly waft the aroma to your nose. Really get your nose in the glass so you can get super close to the wine. If your nose is actually touching the wine, you’ve gone too far. Back up a smidge. Do you smell that rich bouquet of flavours? Me neither. Just nod and agree with the wine snobs around you.

Step 4: Swirl

Now don’t get carried away. It’s not an aggressive swirl that can spin your wine right out of the glass and splash on your neighbour. Ever so gently, until you’re a real pro, swirl the wine around in the bottom of the glass. Your friends should be really impressed with you by now. Apparently, this helps to release the flavours.

Step 5: Swish It Around

Take a sip and swish it around in your mouth. Now, you don’t want to gargle it like mouthwash. You’re supposed to swish it around to get rid of whatever tastes already exist in your mouth. Now, you don’t have to spit the first sip out (although that’s what the “experts” suggest). Just don’t judge the whole glass by this sip. Cleanse that pallet so you can taste your wine from a blank mouth slate.

Step 6: Slurp It

This doesn’t involve slurping it from the glass. Sip the wine and then slurp it from within your mouth for about 30 seconds before swallowing. Yeah, I don’t really understand how this is supposed to work. I just pretended I was doing it and moved on to the next step.

Step 7: Smell it Again

I know what you’re thinking. You already smelled the wine. However, you just swirled the wine around and now it smells completely different. Again, nod and agree with the wine snobs.

Step 8: Drink Away

Yes, finally, if you’re not completely exhausted, you can drink your wine. Now, I’m not entirely sure on this, but I think you can just drink your wine normally from here on out. At least the wine that’s already in your glass. Pour another glass and you’ll have to start at step 1 all over again.

My Personal Take on Ice Wine: It’s not worth it. It’s crazy expensive, comes in a small bottle, and tastes like syrup (not the good kind). Save your money.