How Not to Hit on a Girl at the Gym

do not do this advice or warning - handwriting on pink sticky nMost women will tell you that the gym is not the ideal place to get hit on. Most women at the gym are there on a mission. It’s likely she’s managed to carve out enough time in her busy schedule to work out and she would rather not spend more time there than necessary. It was enough for her to muster up the motivation to go to the gym. Don’t give her a reason to skip her next workout.

Secondly, if she’s working out really hard, she is most likely sweating and feels disgusting. This is not the time she wants to be noticed. This is when she’s hoping no one is paying attention to her.

I know what you’re thinking. “But all I do is workout at the gym. Where else am I supposed to meet someone?” Okay, if you absolutely must approach a girl at the gym, here are some very important tips to remember.

When to Definitely Not Approach a Girl at The Gym

✋When she’s on the stair master

Don’t be the reason she falls off and has to go to the hospital

When she’s dripping in sweat

She’s obviously working super hard. Don’t interrupt her momentum

If she’s wearing headphones

She’s not wearing them so much to hear the music as to not hear other sounds around her in the gym. Sometimes I continue to wear my wireless headphones even if the battery’s dead

 If she’s wearing a hat

This is the universal sign for “I’m trying to be invisible”

I know, I’ve made this seem like a lost cause. I mean, it’s not entirely, but you should know what you’re getting into. This is dangerous territory and you must tread lightly if you hope to succeed. If you’re paying attention, a woman/or women will send pretty clear signals whether she/or they want to be approached or not. Here are some helpful tips.

Tips for Hitting on Women at the Gym (If You Must)

  1. If a woman hasn’t made eye contact with you, she doesn’t want to. It doesn’t mean she hasn’t seen you yet and you need to make her aware of your presence. She’s aware. Wait for the green light.

  2. Don’t scare/startle her. She’s most likely wearing headphones and can’t hear you coming up from behind. You don’t know if her natural defense is fight or flight. You could up with a punch to the face.

  3. Going off of point #2, wait for her to see you and decide not to run away. If she doesn’t want to stick around and tao you, don’t follow her.

Now, if you’re one of those women whose unfortunately fallen victim of one of the guys who has read this post and decided to try these tips out for himself, here are some great tips for avoiding people at the gym (or anywhere).

 

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Learning to (Pretend) Fight

boxing_blogI’ve decided to become a fighter (take a boxing class). Someone like Demi Lovato… or the name of a real fighter [Note to self, learn the names of fighters that make you sound tougher when referencing]. I know what you’re thinking. Who’s trying to fight you? You live in Canada. People are nice there. That’s what I tried to explain to the instructor. He keeps referencing people wanting to fight me and insists I be prepared. I don’t think he realizes I’m here for the fitness aspect. I don’t plan on taking these skills into the real world. I don’t want to get hit in the face. Right, no one plans to get hit in the face.

Things You Should Know If You Want to be a Boxer

Boxing is like no other sport. You will have many unexpected injuries, especially considering the only people you’re fighting are imaginary.

Gloves are measured in ounces.

Apparently this refers to the weight of the glove and not the amount of liquid it can hold. Judging by the amount of sweat they accumulated, I’d bet my gloves can hold a lot more than 14 oz.

You can get injured even if you’re not fighting anyone.

Skipping is a big part of boxing. Not the actual fighting part, but apparently every good fighter has rhythm and skipping is the way to do that. However, you should know that skipping ropes are basically whips. Until you get the hang of it, you should be prepared for welts. I guess they’re not so much welts as raised slash marks. Either way, you’ll look like you lost an argument with a tiger. 

Skipping improperly will make you feel old.

It’s possible to jump wrong. If you jump wrong, your knees will be very sore and you will limp around work feeling that as soon as you hit 30, your body started to fall apart. Don’t worry, this can be corrected with practice and learning to jump better. It might take a while, though. You should have lots of ice on hand and plenty of Advil.

You’ll have to learn how to take a body shot.

One of the first exercises you will partake in as a fighter in training is learning to take a body shot. Again, who’s trying to punch me in the stomach? You will lie on the ground with your abdominal muscles flexed while another individual in the class drops a medicine ball on your stomach…repeatedly…from a couple of feet above you. This is to get you used to someone coming up to you and unexpectedly punching you in the stomach. It’s an incredibly odd feeling that you can’t prepare for. I’ve been told this is what getting the wind knocked out of you feels like. As I’m not a natural fighter, the only time I’ve experienced a similar feeling is when I fell out of a hammock, flat on my face. Don’t worry, the more you practice, the less it will hurt, except when your instructor kicks it up a notch and the ball is dropped from much higher.

How Do You Know If You’re Actually Strong?

strong_blogI workout fairly regularly and would consider myself strong-ish. I mean, I’m no bodybuilder, but I’ve moved past the sissy dumbbells. However, I have recently become aware that being strong at the gym and being strong in real life are two very different things. It’s similar to being book smart and street smart. You might think you’re strong because you can lift objects with cushy handles, but using your strength in real life is a different story!

Are you strong or do you just workout?

Splitting Logs

For those of you city-dwellers who have never been faced with this survivalist task, it’s much harder than it looks. Sure, it’s easy swinging an axe and getting it stuck in the log. It’s another thing entirely to have enough strength to power right through the log.

Going for a Hike

Once you find your rhythm, walking, or even running on a treadmill is fairly simple. Going on a hike in the great outdoors is yet again, very different! You will be thrown by the uneven terrain and the fact that you’re actually travelling beyond a stationary spot like in your gym. Embrace the added benefit of fresh air.

Moving Quickly for a Long Period of Time (aka Endurance)

Activities may include rowing (an actual boat) or paddle boating. Basically, anything that requires cardiovascular activity. It’s one thing to have the strength to do something for a short stint. It’s another to have the endurance to paddle around a whole (small) island.

Pulling Yourself Up

I may have discovered the difficulty of this task at the gym, but it definitely applies to real life (survival) situations. Sure, it’s easy when you have your legs moving you from one point to another. It’s much more difficult when all you have is your arms. My arms may look strong, but when put to the test, they don’t do so great. I’m regretting not playing on the monkey bars more as a child.

 

I Hurt Myself at the Gym So You Don’t Have To

gym_safetyYou’re at the gym. You’re in the zone. The last thing you want to do is ruin your workout by falling off of a machine. Yeah, it can happen. Fortunately for you, although unfortunately for me, I’ve already experienced a number of gym-related injuries. I’m here to share my misfortunes in the hopes that you can avoid an embarrassing gym moment or a nasty bonk to the head.

My Top 8 Gym Safety Tips

1. Watch where you’re going.

You may not think that this one belongs on the list. It does. Sometimes you’re in the zone and you’ve just finished an extremely difficult exercise and are moving onto the next. Before you know it, you bend down to pick up a weight and forget that the squat bar jets out further out than you remember. Bonk. Right in the face.

2. Don’t touch gym equipment and then touch your eye.

I don’t care how itchy your eye is. I don’t care if you think you’ve rubbed your finger clean on your shirt. Don’t do it. Your eye will get so much worse.

3. Don’t be dramatic when putting your weights away.

No matter how tired you are, place your weights down carefully. Remember, your fingers are very close by. It might look cool, but you know what doesn’t look cool? Blue finger nails…

4. Don’t kick gym equipment.

No matter how light a piece of equipment looks, don’t try to kick it out of your way. It’s gym equipment. You will hurt yourself.

5. Ensure the locker doors around you are closed before you tie your shoe.

You cannot imagine the pain that ensues when you stand up from tying your shoes and bonk yourself on an open locker door. Yes, it’s unpleasant.

6. The Internet is not the same as a personal trainer.

Exercise caution when trying a new exercise you learned on the internet. I don’t want to tell you that everything on the internet is bad. However, if you see a video and think, “Huh, that’s a creative use of that machine,” don’t do it! There’s a reason why that machine was not intended for that type of use.

7. Take Notes.

When working out with your trainer (assuming you read my previous post and got one), take accurate notes. If not, you could put the machine at an extremely low weight and fall off. I wish this didn’t happen to me. I also wish that I didn’t end up with a giant bruise on my leg from the fall.

8. Don’t challenge your trainer.

Yes, you want your trainer to push you to your limit, but exercise caution. He will rise to that challenge and you’ll be unable to walk for two days.

My Personal Trainer is Trying to Kill Me (and Yours Should Too)

personal_trainer_pain

Apparently it’s considered a win when you have trouble walking back to your car after a session with your personal trainer.

Personal trainers are clever. They push you to the point where you start wishing physical harm upon them. Yet, they’ve also rendered you immobile and unable to carry out any of your sinister plans.

Then you think to yourself, “Today’s rough, but tomorrow will be better.” Wrong. Apparently things will  get worse before they  get better. And you decided to wear heels to work. That was a mistake. Once you start getting that carefree feeling back in your legs, BAM! It’s leg day again… What’s the point of having nice legs if you can’t even use them? I’m currently working on a way to sit down without using my leg muscles. It’s not going well…

I Got a Personal Trainer (Cue Panic)

pain-gain-arnoldI decided to try this new thing where I start my Saturday off with the feeling of impending doom. No, I’m not running away from a murderer (although sometimes it feels like I am).

As I venture further down the road to better health and wellness, I decided it was time I sign up for a personal trainer. I was convinced (yes, by said personal trainer) that in order to improve my workout and step up my game, I needed to take drastic measures. Personal trainer it is.

Now, along with the physical journey, there’s also a mental component. I’ve discovered there are 10 stages to mentally coming to grips with the fact that I now have a personal trainer (and might die). Allow me to share this roller coaster of emotions.

The 10 Stages of Having a Personal Trainer

1. Regret

After you sign up for your first personal training session, you may second guess your decision. You may start thinking you made a huge mistake and you’ll start making excuses. For example, the expense is more than your budget can handle, your schedule is full enough as it is, etc.

2. Pride

Next comes pride. You may think to yourself, “I don’t need a personal trainer. I’m fine. There’s no need for anyone else to push me. I’ve been doing a basically fine job for years. Yes, I look the same, but still…”

3. Justification

With pride comes justification. I mean, the internet is basically like a personal trainer and it’s free. The people on the internet never tell me I’m doing anything wrong. I realize they can’t see what I’m doing (or if I’m even exercising at all). However, they’re very encouraging. We’ve never met, but I’m sure we’d be best friends.

4. Panic

Once you come to grips with the fact that you indeed have a personal trainer, the panic starts to set in. You realize that impending doom is approaching. There’s no escape. Crap.

5. Increased Heart Rate / Sweat (Not the Exercise Kind)

After you’ve moved past the panic and stress, you want to dive right in. You don’t have to sit around and stress about the what-ifs anymore. Let’s rip this bandaid off already!

6. Impatience

Why hasn’t my personal trainer gotten back to me with a scheduled session?! Doesn’t he realize I’m trying to fix myself?!

7. Relief

You make it through day one and totally nail it. You can totally handle this. Piece of cake!

8. Anxiety

Wait…that was just the assessment?! More anxiety…

9. Pain

Everything hurts. You’ll drop a pencil and take a significant amount of time contemplating whether bending over to pick it up is worth the inevitable pain which will ensue. I think my personal trainer is trying to kill me. This better be worth it. Can’t there be gain without the pain??

10. Acceptance

This is the stage where you fully come to terms with the fact that you’re one of those people who has a personal trainer. I mean, celebrities have them and you wouldn’t say that they’re not smart enough to work out by themselves. Now, I haven’t actually reached this stage myself, but I’m pretty sure I’ll get there…eventually.

I Got Me A Sports Injury

dodgeball_2I’m no stranger to sports. I mean, I usually watch more on TV than I actually participate in, but I’m still no stranger. I’ve dabbled in sports. I’m in a fantasy football league. I do go to the gym regularly. Although, that’s not really a team sport. When a friend suggested we play dodgeball, I thought sure, what’s the harm? Dodgeball is no big deal. Kids play it in gym class. I was wrong.

Let me paint a picture for you. You’re in an arena playing one of the most intense games of dodgeball. Dodgeballs are flying in the air at rapid speeds. Oh right, and you’re on a trampoline, actually, many trampolines all attached to make a sort of super trampoline. I know what you’re thinking. How could playing dodgeball on a trampoline be anything but safe?

You’re finally getting the hang of it and BAM!!!! A dodgeball comes out of nowhere and smacks you so hard in the eye that you go down. Someone has to help you off the trampolines because you can’t see out of you’re right eye anymore. Actually, you’re not sure, but you can’t open it, which is basically the same thing. You’re eye’s all red and the right side of your face is starting to swell. Luckily, the employees are quite used to this and fetch you a bag of ice.

You then spend the rest of the evening with a bag of ice on your face and people stopping as they walk past you to offer their, “Ah! What happened?!”

But don’t worry, there’s free pizza. So it all works out in the end.

And five days later, you can finally open and close your right eye again, virtually pain-free.