Tag Archives: Humour

What Are You Wearing?

Posted in People Watching by

2270Some of my best ideas come from watching…er…observing people at Starbucks. For handy tips on how to do this stealthily, click here. You’re welcome. Most recently, the young and trendy folks purchasing their pumpkin lattes got me thinking about confusing beauty trends.

Why must all beauty trends be taken to the extreme? The most recent culprit: Magic Marker Eyebrows. You know what I’m talking about. When girls crazy thicken up their eyebrows in an attempt to make them look more natural. Why not just stop shaving them down to pencil-thin lines? You know, actually natural brows.

Faux Fur Vests. Okay, I understand that you’re against animal cruelty. I think that’s great. Take a stand! However, doesn’t wearing something that simulates fur kind of send the message that you wished that real fur wasn’t taken from a once-living animal so you can enjoy the crazy soft warmth? Think about it.

Suede Boots. Why would you make boots out of the one thing that can’t get wet? Aren’t warm boots essentially created for those cold days, usually accompanied by snow? There’s only so much protective spray can do. And I’ve seen what salt does to them. It’s not pretty. This argument can also be made for boots that look like sweaters.

My First (Authentic) Halloween

Posted in Canadian Living, Family by

Dr Agon

Growing up in the country turns experiences like Halloween into a challenge. Living on a rural road with houses great distances from each other makes trick-or-treating tricky. Okay, maybe not so much tricky as it is dangerous. Only the brave or those with parents willing to drive, venture out that way. And with the lack of trick-or-treaters brings the lack of prepared homeowners who aren’t expecting visitors. If you’re able to get a front door to open, you’re more likely to end up with a box of raisins or a can of coke. Needless to say, I often travelled to the neighbourhood of friends or family to collect candy from strangers.

When most people grow older and stop trick-or-treating, they naturally transition into handing out candy. Problem. I still live in farm country.

Then this year happened. I received the rare opportunity to hand out candy to young, costumed travellers. Here are a few things I learned through my experience:

  • One piece candy is free. Two pieces of candy is earned with an exceptional costume or if you’re a baby. Three pieces of candy if my brother successfully scares the kid into wetting themselves.
  • Kids trick-or-treat for more than 30 minutes, so maybe don’t start shovelling out handfuls because you don’t think anymore kids will arrive.
  • Watching kids get the crap scared out of them by the life-like zombie (aka my brother who also grew up in the country and is clearly making up for all the years he felt deprived of this magical holiday) in the yard is more fun than handing out candy.
  • Some kids are dedicated enough to trick-or-treat in a little rain.
  • Choose a costume that keeps you warm or you’ll just end up covering your creation with a winter coat. This is Canada at the end of October, remember?

Forever Loading: The Slow Internet-Havers Lament

Posted in Canadian Living, Thoughts About Life by

internet_construction_workersHello, out there. I’m sure many of you are reading this through the wonderful world of high speed internet. I’m here to tell you there’s a whole world out there you thought died long ago. Sadly, there are still people (like me) who live with the struggle of painstakingly slow internet.

No, it’s not dial-up. At least with dial-up, there’s consistency. It might take a good three minutes for anything to load, but you know eventually, it will load. With slow, wireless internet, everyday is a surprise. No, not the fun kind. One day you might think all your (internet) problems are solved and the next, you’re forced to pull out the ‘ole DVD player.

As you more fortunate individuals speed through the 21st century, others less fortunate are forced to stare in the face of the spinning wheel of death. Sure, the country looks nice, but it comes at a price. The price: high speed internet. People will tell you that you can enjoy the crazy fast download speeds as any city-dweller enjoys. They’re wrong. What they’ll (conveniently) leave out is to even catch a glimpse of instant downloads, you need to build a 60 foot tower in your backyard. And even then, there’s no guarantees.

The worst is the false hope created by the appearance of a supposed connection… just to later learn that it was a figment of your imagination, that the connection wasn’t actually strong enough to do anything. You sit, watching those “three bars” taunting you, like a carrot on a stick, just out of reach.

Solutions to Life’s Uncomfortable Questions

Posted in Thoughts About Life by

smalltalk_1

I’m not a fan of small talk. Frankly, I’ve never met anyone who is, and yet, we hear it all the time. These super vague filler questions show up at places like uncomfortable work functions and with those rarely-seen family members. It’s basically the verbal equivalent to having your grandma pinch your cheeks.

Something needs to be done. Yes, I’m looking at you small talk instigators. What are you doing wrong, you ask? For starters, here are some pretty major questions to avoid.

Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?

Unless you’re conducting an interview, don’t ask this question. I’m telling you, you’re probably not going to like the answer. Super vague questions are hard to answer. You’ll either end up with a short answer that doesn’t allow for much follow up, or someone’s entire life story. Both can be unpleasant. Rarely does this question lead to a surprisingly inspirational story. I wouldn’t hold out for the 1 out of 10.

What’s new?

People hear this question and feel bad about themselves if they didn’t recently get engaged or discover some rare mineral in the depths of the rainforest? I’m actually guilty of asking people this a lot, although I try change it up with an “Anything new and exciting in your life?” So, how do you answer this super impersonal question? Why not take their question literally and mention something small that’s recently new? Small accomplishments are still accomplishments.

Do you have a boyfriend? When’s the wedding? Any kids on the way? Still living at home…?

You think you’re out of the woods because you managed to wrangle yourself a significant other. Wrong! Where are your children? Have you thought about children? You don’t want children?! (gasp). That doesn’t fit into any of the social constructs I’m comfortable with! These questions frequently come up at family functions, especially with that family that doesn’t actually know a whole lot about you. So, what do you do when your answer to these questions is no (or yes, you do still live at home)? Answer with confidence! Own your life decisions! Yes, I do still live with my parents and I’m saving a boatload of money and I’m super thankful to be able to do so! Are you saving a boatload of money living pay cheque to pay cheque? Didn’t think so *mic drop*. Okay, maybe cut out that last part. I suppose the passive aggressive approach doesn’t make things less awkward.

You have the power to prevent awkward social situations. This has been a public services announcement.

Victoria Day: A Belated Tribute

Posted in Family by

IMG_2433I realize it’s been some time since the Victoria Day long weekend (for you Americans, it happened May 18), however, since another fireworks holiday is fast approaching and I forgot I wrote this blog, I thought I would go ahead and post it for your reading pleasure (or not).

Like most North American families, my family loves fireworks. The thought of a holiday that lets you throw explosives  into the sky brings out all the feels. Give me a lawn chair, a blanket, a bowl of chips, and a spectacular display of fire in the sky and I’m in heaven.

Then came the discovery of the US fireworks superstore. It’s basically a Walmart, but all fireworks, every aisle. I no longer had to wait for a special holiday and an abandoned convenience store to suddenly transform into a”FIREWORKS FIREWORKS FIREWORKS” store. Let the stockpiling begin!

Don’t get carried away, though. There are still only three or four firework-appropriate holidays in the year. Don’t try to set off fireworks outside of those approved dates. Suddenly your neighbours will feel like they’re “under attack”. Wimps…

I’m not sure what fireworks have to do with the late queen’s birthday anyways. Although, aside from the name,  Victoria Day has very little to do with the queen. It’s not like we all gather around and say a few words about why we’re thankful for England and the queen. Streets aren’t filled with balloons with the queen’s face on them. Most people (I assume) don’t even know who Queen Victoria is. Full disclosure, I Googled her as I wrote this post. I had no idea she died so long ago.

To conclude this post, here are some random out of context quotes from Victoria Day with my family. Enjoy.

“Never underestimate the power of ‘this side up.'”

“It’s starting to rain. Just light the whole box on fire.”

“Lets try not to light anyone on fire this year.”

“There’s bucket pieces all over the lawn!”