Forever Loading: The Slow Internet-Havers Lament

internet_construction_workersHello, out there. I’m sure many of you are reading this through the wonderful world of high speed internet. I’m here to tell you there’s a whole world out there you thought died long ago. Sadly, there are still people (like me) who live with the struggle of painstakingly slow internet.

No, it’s not dial-up. At least with dial-up, there’s consistency. It might take a good three minutes for anything to load, but you know eventually, it will load. With slow, wireless internet, everyday is a surprise. No, not the fun kind. One day you might think all your (internet) problems are solved and the next, you’re forced to pull out the ‘ole DVD player.

As you more fortunate individuals speed through the 21st century, others less fortunate are forced to stare in the face of the spinning wheel of death. Sure, the country looks nice, but it comes at a price. The price: high speed internet. People will tell you that you can enjoy the crazy fast download speeds as any city-dweller enjoys. They’re wrong. What they’ll (conveniently) leave out is to even catch a glimpse of instant downloads, you need to build a 60 foot tower in your backyard. And even then, there’s no guarantees.

The worst is the false hope created by the appearance of a supposed connection… just to later learn that it was a figment of your imagination, that the connection wasn’t actually strong enough to do anything. You sit, watching those “three bars” taunting you, like a carrot on a stick, just out of reach.

Solutions to Life’s Uncomfortable Questions

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I’m not a fan of small talk. Frankly, I’ve never met anyone who is, and yet, we hear it all the time. These super vague filler questions show up at places like uncomfortable work functions and with those rarely-seen family members. It’s basically the verbal equivalent to having your grandma pinch your cheeks.

Something needs to be done. Yes, I’m looking at you small talk instigators. What are you doing wrong, you ask? For starters, here are some pretty major questions to avoid.

Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?

Unless you’re conducting an interview, don’t ask this question. I’m telling you, you’re probably not going to like the answer. Super vague questions are hard to answer. You’ll either end up with a short answer that doesn’t allow for much follow up, or someone’s entire life story. Both can be unpleasant. Rarely does this question lead to a surprisingly inspirational story. I wouldn’t hold out for the 1 out of 10.

What’s new?

People hear this question and feel bad about themselves if they didn’t recently get engaged or discover some rare mineral in the depths of the rainforest? I’m actually guilty of asking people this a lot, although I try change it up with an “Anything new and exciting in your life?” So, how do you answer this super impersonal question? Why not take their question literally and mention something small that’s recently new? Small accomplishments are still accomplishments.

Do you have a boyfriend? When’s the wedding? Any kids on the way? Still living at home…?

You think you’re out of the woods because you managed to wrangle yourself a significant other. Wrong! Where are your children? Have you thought about children? You don’t want children?! (gasp). That doesn’t fit into any of the social constructs I’m comfortable with! These questions frequently come up at family functions, especially with that family that doesn’t actually know a whole lot about you. So, what do you do when your answer to these questions is no (or yes, you do still live at home)? Answer with confidence! Own your life decisions! Yes, I do still live with my parents and I’m saving a boatload of money and I’m super thankful to be able to do so! Are you saving a boatload of money living pay cheque to pay cheque? Didn’t think so *mic drop*. Okay, maybe cut out that last part. I suppose the passive aggressive approach doesn’t make things less awkward.

You have the power to prevent awkward social situations. This has been a public services announcement.

Curly Hair: Living With The Beast

princess merida curly hairPinterest is filled with women who have enviable, long flowing locks. However, what Pinterest doesn’t show you is the struggle it takes to get there, especially if you’re not equipped with a team of professionals. For those like me who don’t have people to dress them in the morning, curly hair can be quite the struggle. Now, I realize that not everyone with curly hair has these problems, but I certainly do.

Curly Hair is Temperamental

If you stand the hope of steering your curly hair in the desired direction, you have to treat it just right. Not enough product can leave your hair limp and frizzy. Too much product can create an unmanageable crunchy mess. If you get the balance just right, you can end up with bouncy, enviable curls, but don’t hold your breathe.

I’ve found the most predictable results come when I bring in reinforcements, aka the curling wand. However, this requires an extra half hour in the morning, and frankly, I don’t have that kind of time. Maybe once I become a curling wand pro, I’ll be able whip out a fabulous doo in 10 minutes or less… And maybe I’ll stop burning myself so much…

Curly Hair is Unpredictable

You’re never really in control. You can try to be, but ultimately, your hair’s going to do whatever it wants. The harder you fight, the harder it revolts.

I’ve found that it’s better to go with the flow (pun intended) instead of fighting against it. Let your hair make the rules, because it basically will anyways. You can either fight and give in later, or skip the fight and give in now.

Another fun fact about curly hair is it generally decides to cooperate and look fantastic when noone’s there to appreciate and admire it. Maybe it has trouble performing under pressure. Stage fright?

Curly Hair Doesn’t Lie

Curly hair often acts as a type of mood ring. If you’ve had a rough day, people will see it. I’ve learned that the craziness of my hair at the end of the day is a direct reflection of how crazy my day’s been. Note, If my hair is a mad, frizzy mess, you should probably steer clear.

Distressed Fashion: A List of Grievances

Muppets_Sam-The-Eagle copyLately, I’ve noticed that society has become more and more ridiculous, especially in terms of “fashion”. I choose to believe that my growing older has allowed me to see the error in society’s ways and I have decided to list my top fashion grievances for your reading pleasure. Enjoy.

Grievance #1: Holy Shirts

I walked into a store the other day (a store that shall remain nameless because, full disclosure, I still really like to shop there) and I found a shirt for sale that was full of holes.  I’ve seen stray sparklers creating a very similar effect. It’s a whole lot cheaper. Plus, you get the added bonus of not knowing whether the whole shirt is going to go up in flames. I remember when I got rid of my clothes once they started falling apart. Now, people are paying extra and calling it “distressed”. Man, I should’ve hung onto those old, ratty jeans. I could’ve made a killing. Probably.

Grievance #2: Sleeveless Shirts

I remember when cutting the sleeves off your t-shirts was the cool thing to do to. I’m not sure if it was  to better display your muscles or just to make them look bigger. Now, people are willing to pay extra for stores to do it for them. Where’s the rebellion in that? Also, how does half a shirt cost more than a whole shirt? Do they really have to create a whole shirt just to cut the sleeves off? How hard is it to make a shirt without sleeves? Instead of making sleeves, you just don’t.

Grievance #3: Extremely Distressed Denim

I was willing to put the other grievances aside until I came across an article about how designers are throwing perfectly good jeans to lions and tigers in order to attain the perfect “distressed” look. Feel free to read all about it here. When I saw this, I thought to myself, “Really? Are people really willing to risk their lives for a, ‘Hey, cute top,’?” For those of you who read this article and thought this was a brilliant idea, I hope you realize that you’re pro training lions to hunger for human apparel in the name of fashion. Think about that.

Now, I’m all about the carefree, boho-chic style, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I’ve decided that this is it.