Author Archives: Rachel

My First (Authentic) Halloween

Posted in Canadian Living, Family by

Dr Agon

Growing up in the country turns experiences like Halloween into a challenge. Living on a rural road with houses great distances from each other makes trick-or-treating tricky. Okay, maybe not so much tricky as it is dangerous. Only the brave or those with parents willing to drive, venture out that way. And with the lack of trick-or-treaters brings the lack of prepared homeowners who aren’t expecting visitors. If you’re able to get a front door to open, you’re more likely to end up with a box of raisins or a can of coke. Needless to say, I often travelled to the neighbourhood of friends or family to collect candy from strangers.

When most people grow older and stop trick-or-treating, they naturally transition into handing out candy. Problem. I still live in farm country.

Then this year happened. I received the rare opportunity to hand out candy to young, costumed travellers. Here are a few things I learned through my experience:

  • One piece candy is free. Two pieces of candy is earned with an exceptional costume or if you’re a baby. Three pieces of candy if my brother successfully scares the kid into wetting themselves.
  • Kids trick-or-treat for more than 30 minutes, so maybe don’t start shovelling out handfuls because you don’t think anymore kids will arrive.
  • Watching kids get the crap scared out of them by the life-like zombie (aka my brother who also grew up in the country and is clearly making up for all the years he felt deprived of this magical holiday) in the yard is more fun than handing out candy.
  • Some kids are dedicated enough to trick-or-treat in a little rain.
  • Choose a costume that keeps you warm or you’ll just end up covering your creation with a winter coat. This is Canada at the end of October, remember?

Forever Loading: The Slow Internet-Havers Lament

Posted in Canadian Living, Thoughts About Life by

internet_construction_workersHello, out there. I’m sure many of you are reading this through the wonderful world of high speed internet. I’m here to tell you there’s a whole world out there you thought died long ago. Sadly, there are still people (like me) who live with the struggle of painstakingly slow internet.

No, it’s not dial-up. At least with dial-up, there’s consistency. It might take a good three minutes for anything to load, but you know eventually, it will load. With slow, wireless internet, everyday is a surprise. No, not the fun kind. One day you might think all your (internet) problems are solved and the next, you’re forced to pull out the ‘ole DVD player.

As you more fortunate individuals speed through the 21st century, others less fortunate are forced to stare in the face of the spinning wheel of death. Sure, the country looks nice, but it comes at a price. The price: high speed internet. People will tell you that you can enjoy the crazy fast download speeds as any city-dweller enjoys. They’re wrong. What they’ll (conveniently) leave out is to even catch a glimpse of instant downloads, you need to build a 60 foot tower in your backyard. And even then, there’s no guarantees.

The worst is the false hope created by the appearance of a supposed connection… just to later learn that it was a figment of your imagination, that the connection wasn’t actually strong enough to do anything. You sit, watching those “three bars” taunting you, like a carrot on a stick, just out of reach.

My Car Is Sick (a poem)

Posted in Thoughts About Life by

My car is sick
I have to stick
To buses and trains
Like I have no brains
For expensive repair
I’m in despair
Bring back my baby to me

My car is sick
Please fix it quick
Please make it better
Or I’ll need a sweater
For warmth

My car is sick
Maybe I’ll trick
The man next door
Into taking me to the store
For groceries.

My car is sick
Like a candle’s wick
That’s been snuffed out
And stepped on.

My car is sick
No more rhyming tricks
I think I’ll end it right here

Solutions to Life’s Uncomfortable Questions

Posted in Thoughts About Life by

smalltalk_1

I’m not a fan of small talk. Frankly, I’ve never met anyone who is, and yet, we hear it all the time. These super vague filler questions show up at places like uncomfortable work functions and with those rarely-seen family members. It’s basically the verbal equivalent to having your grandma pinch your cheeks.

Something needs to be done. Yes, I’m looking at you small talk instigators. What are you doing wrong, you ask? For starters, here are some pretty major questions to avoid.

Why don’t you tell me a little about yourself?

Unless you’re conducting an interview, don’t ask this question. I’m telling you, you’re probably not going to like the answer. Super vague questions are hard to answer. You’ll either end up with a short answer that doesn’t allow for much follow up, or someone’s entire life story. Both can be unpleasant. Rarely does this question lead to a surprisingly inspirational story. I wouldn’t hold out for the 1 out of 10.

What’s new?

People hear this question and feel bad about themselves if they didn’t recently get engaged or discover some rare mineral in the depths of the rainforest? I’m actually guilty of asking people this a lot, although I try change it up with an “Anything new and exciting in your life?” So, how do you answer this super impersonal question? Why not take their question literally and mention something small that’s recently new? Small accomplishments are still accomplishments.

Do you have a boyfriend? When’s the wedding? Any kids on the way? Still living at home…?

You think you’re out of the woods because you managed to wrangle yourself a significant other. Wrong! Where are your children? Have you thought about children? You don’t want children?! (gasp). That doesn’t fit into any of the social constructs I’m comfortable with! These questions frequently come up at family functions, especially with that family that doesn’t actually know a whole lot about you. So, what do you do when your answer to these questions is no (or yes, you do still live at home)? Answer with confidence! Own your life decisions! Yes, I do still live with my parents and I’m saving a boatload of money and I’m super thankful to be able to do so! Are you saving a boatload of money living pay cheque to pay cheque? Didn’t think so *mic drop*. Okay, maybe cut out that last part. I suppose the passive aggressive approach doesn’t make things less awkward.

You have the power to prevent awkward social situations. This has been a public services announcement.

A Polite Ode to Canada Day

Posted in Canadian Living by

great_white_north_1Today is Canada Day. For you non-Canadian readers, every July 1st, Canada pauses to think about what truly makes us Canadian. We celebrate that fateful day where the Britain politely asked us if we wanted to be an independent country and we said sure. To commemorate this polite entrance into independence, most of us head up north, sit on a calm lake (or the dock in front of it), and think to ourselves, “It’s nice I didn’t have to go to work today.”

Unfourtunately, this year, Canada Day falls on a Wednesday. So unless you have some vacation time stored up, it’s back to work tomorrow. Needless to say, there’s not a whole lot to do with one day off in the middle of the week, especially when everything’s closed.

Right now, I’m sitting on my front porch watching the neighbour’s dog chase a fly. Some dogs are brighter than others…So maybe my dog’s not the sharpest tool in the shed (she may have tried to run through a sliding glass window), but she doesn’t chase flies! And there she goes. Master calls. Oh look, it’s starting to rain. I wonder how long it will crawl up those steps before I have to go inside. There it goes. Well, that didn’t take long.

Ok, so we’ve moved inside. Sorry, as I was saying, Canada is a pretty great place to live. Where else can you drop your wallet in the subway, have people help gather your things and not steal anything. Yeah, I checked.

Sure, Independence Day is flashy and full of heave ho (I assume), but sitting calmly and being politely grateful is kind of nice.

To check out a few more reasons why I love living in Canada, click here.